Defending Traditional Marriage , livre ebook

© 2005 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Published by Fleming H. Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

Ebook edition created 2013

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means for example, electronic, photocopy, recording without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-4154-2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
1 What’s the Fuss All About?
The Meaning of Traditional Marriage
Part 1 “To Love and to Cherish” ~ Extraordinary Care
2 What’s Marriage without Love?
The Love Bank
3 How to Make Each Other Happy
Intimate Emotional Needs
4 How to Avoid Making Each Other Unhappy
Love Busters
5 How to Create a Mutually Enjoyable Lifestyle
The Policy of Joint Agreement
6 Our Culture and Care Don’t Mix
Overcoming Cultural Obstacles to Extraordinary Care
Part 2 “Forsaking All Others” ~ Romantic Exclusivity
7 One of Life’s Most Devastating Experiences
The Curse of Infidelity
8 The Law Is Wrong
Laws That Encourage Infidelity
9 How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage
Overcoming Cultural and Legal Obstacles to Romantic Exclusivity
Part 3 “Till Death Do Us Part” ~ Permanence
10 When Is It Time to Call It Quits?
Divorce and Its Dire Consequences
11 Is “No-Fault” at Fault?
Laws That Encourage Divorce
12 How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage
Overcoming Cultural and Legal Obstacles to Permanence
Part 4 “To Be Your Husband (or Wife)” ~ One Man, One Woman
13 Same-Sex Marriage a Threat?
Is There Anything Wrong with Gay and Lesbian Relationships?
14 Is a Constitutional Amendment Really Necessary?
The Defense of Marriage Act
15 Restoring the Meaning of Traditional Marriage
How the Same-Sex Marriage Issue Has Helped Raise Public Awareness

Notes
Index
About The Author
Other Books By Author
Back Ads
1

What’s the Fuss All About?
The Meaning of Traditional Marriage
I t was Friday morning and I’d just finished breakfast when the telephone rang. Tom Prichard, president of the Minnesota Family Counsel, was asking me to testify that morning before the Minnesota Senate Judiciary Committee. As a clinical psychologist, I am sometimes called upon (on short notice!) by various organizations to defend or oppose pending legislation that might affect mental health. So when Tom’s request came in, I cleared my schedule and went right to work on a presentation.
This time the issue was the definition of marriage. The pending legislation in this case, a proposed amendment to the state constitution, would limit marriage to one man and one woman. In doing so, it would deny eligibility for marriage to people in same-sex and polygamous relationships.
I realized this was a controversial issue. But as I was presenting my testimony, I never dreamed that it was so divisive it would end up deadlocking the Minnesota Senate. The Senate eventually adjourned without having addressed a host of other important bills just because they didn’t want this issue brought to the floor for debate. By doing so, they prevented passage of a bill that would leave the definition of marriage in the hands of the people.
Minnesota isn’t alone in wrestling with how to define marriage. The same debate is raging all over America. And extreme passion is driving both sides of the issue.
Why? What makes people care so much about this issue of defining marriage? It’s the implications that come along with a definition of marriage that create such a stir. These implications are actually much broader than the one I addressed that Friday morning whether or not marriage should be between one man and one woman and have great significance for the future of traditional marriage itself.
In this book we’ll talk about the many issues surrounding this great marriage debate. And you’ll soon understand why some people are getting so fired up on both sides of the issue. I’ll also help you understand why this issue will be settled one way or another in the next few years and how that outcome will affect the future of your children.
Of course, none of this is new. Traditional marriage has been under attack in America for at least the past seventy years. And that attack has been successful in destroying many traditional marriages. About half now end in divorce, and half of those that remain intact are characterized by resignation or even misery rather than love and affection. Is it any wonder that couples are afraid to marry these days?
The Latest Wave
Court decisions giving those in the gay and lesbian communities the same right to marry as those in the heterosexual community are only the latest in a series of attacks on traditional marriage. We’ll get to the earlier attacks in a moment, but for now let’s consider the current battle under way.
Gays and lesbians argue that restricting marriage to a man and a woman is discrimination against them. So they view that restriction as a civil rights issue. Just as African-Americans were once relegated to the backs of buses because of their race, gays and lesbians argue that they are relegated to nonmarital unions because of their sexual orientation. What they want is to redefine marriage to include their preferred lifestyle.
There have been rumblings in the polygamy camp as well. They also try to make it a civil rights issue by arguing that none of us are wired for a single, lifelong relationship. After all, look at all the affairs that plague marriages these days.
At a time when so many marriages are filled with problems (consider the statistics I mentioned earlier), why are gays and lesbians so anxious to secure marital rights for themselves? Because, even with all its problems, marriage still offers many advantages over other relationships. Two of the most important advantages for married couples are stability and safety.
Historically, gay and lesbian relationships have tended to be rather brief, violent, and unhealthy. Because of rampant promiscuity, the spread of venereal and other diseases has resulted in notoriously short life spans. The same can be said of heterosexual couples who live together outside of marriage. Those relationships also tend to be brief, violent, and unhealthy particularly when compared to relationships between married couples. So it’s reasonable for gays and lesbians to identify marriage as one way to create stability and safety for their relationships.
There are also economic reasons cited health care coverage and laws governing inheritance, for example. With mainstream acceptance of the “alternative” lifestyles, gays and lesbians increasingly want all the same privileges afforded heterosexual individuals in America.
So when the Massachusetts Supreme Court decided to grant marriage for gays and lesbians, proponents of such equality were quite optimistic. But along with the ruling came a firestorm of protest from those who see it as a threat to heterosexual marriage. Since that decision was made, the issue has created so much heat that it may remain near the top of the list of political issues for some time to come.
Why are heterosexual married couples getting so upset about something that may help gay and lesbian relationships? Why not share their safety and security with those who do not share their sexual orientation? The reason is that many advocates of traditional marriage see gay and lesbian marriage as a huge threat to the institution of marriage itself and they’re right.
But I also see the same-sex marriage debate as an unprecedented opportunity to draw attention to the relentless decline of traditional marriage in America and other parts of the Western world and to stop that decline. If the issue of same-sex marriage forces us to look at marriage as something worth defining and saving I couldn’t be happier that it has come to our attention.
A Disaster in the Making
Over the past seventy-five years, the meaning of marriage in America has been changing so slowly that few have been aware of the change. So it takes a little work to uncover the traditional meaning of marriage. Let’s start by considering the wedding vow itself.
A minister usually asks the groom some variation of the following question: “Will you take this woman to be your wife, to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in joy and in sorrow, in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her so long as you both shall live?”
If the groom makes this promise, the minister asks the same question of the bride: “Will you take this man to be your husband, to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in joy and in sorrow, in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him so long as you both shall live?”
When the bride agrees, the minister announces that, based on the promises the couple have made to each other, he can pronounce them husband and wife. So it’s reasonable to assume that these vows describe what it means to be married in the traditional sense. A closer look reveals qualities that may be expressed in the following definition:

Traditional marriage is a permanent (as long as you both shall live) and sexually exclusive (forsaking all others) relationship of extraordinary care (love, comfort, honor, and keep, etc.) between a man (to be your husband) and a woman (to be your wife).

This is what almost every marriage vow has declared down through the ages. For thousands of years couples have known that these are all essential for a successful marriage. By definition, then, a tr